Thoughts on Skiing

Believe it or not, I am an Olympic skier (this is a lie). Whenever I ski, my main priority is not my own safety; it’s not even the safety of the people around me. It’s making sure that I don’t look dumb. There have been far too many examples of idiots on the slopes, and I am determined not to be one of them. Being pompous is important, so I always start the day with a nice run on the green circles (the hills for people who suck). I make sure to start up a conversation with a person wearing rental equipment, telling them that I feel a little rusty. When we go skiing down the hill together, I put conscious effort into going as fast as I possibly can while doing really sharp turns. Just to make sure that everyone knows I’m good. I am aware that I sound very snotty, but everyone does this. In fact, Doug tried to flex that he could ski backward, so I learned how to do it just to spite him. There are many embarrassing things that new people tend to do, like dropping their poles and taking lift selfies. But, they all seem to magically get hurt in the strangest ways possible. Getting hurt while skiing is the most embarrassing thing to do. First comes the fall, which is embarrassing enough on its own, but then comes the “lay on the ground with your legs sticking out at odd angles while other people ski around you until some kind stranger stops to help you get to the base.” I have yet to get hurt so bad that they have to put me on a sled to get me down, but with my track record, it will come in due time. However, there is one ski-related injury that hurts the ego the most: falling off of the ski lift. In serious cases, people die, but that’s really rare. I’ve seen my fair share of morons falling off the lift. They either weren’t sure how to get on or off, weren’t ready when the chair swung around, or was just really stupid. In any case, it usually almost always results in someone clinging onto the safety bar until they finally fall off and watch the chair leave without them. I am proud to say that this has never happened to me. It’s also very important to put stickers of all the ski resorts you’ve been to on your helmet; just to let everyone know that you’ve been to more places than they have. Above all else, skiers value feeling superior to everyone around them.